Saturday, March 20, 2010

stuck (and about to move)

i'm either on the verge of a huge cry or of punching someone in the face. ever since the perfume incident two days ago, carson and i have been in a funk. we've spent numerous hours in our room in hotel dasaprakash, mysore, trying to figure out where to go next. often, we both admit we would like to leave india asap, though the prospect of that makes us feel like we've failed on our ability to give india the time it needs to win our hearts. we talk about all the prospects: north to hampi and goa and gokarna, places recommended to us by friends that might help us to relax and reconnect to nature. or, do we fly up north to udaipur or amritsar in rajasthan, the desert? or do we fly way north to dharamsala, the tibetan refuge in the foothills of the himalayas? (that prospect sounds quite nice to me actually). or, do we go to nepal...do we fly to delhi and then spiral out from there...do we fly to bali and retreat, or thailand (but what about the protests in bangkok?) round and round we've gone these past two days, between trying to figure out where to go and how to get there (flight prices increasing, trains and buses booked or sold out, etc.) and between being so frustrated with our exchange with the perfume man. really, how could i let something like this get to me so deeply? i feel i should have known better, but this man was so seemingly authentic and helpful that i totally trusted him. talking to a man yesterday, we found out these scents are 90% alcohol based and cause cancer...so do we trust him? do we trust the taxi driver that told us to not buy from the market, only to go with him to the "real" sandalwood oil factories outside of town? but then they will overcharge us to get their commissions. do we trust the guy who sold us the oils, who showed us book after book of happy customers' photos and writings from all over the world, saying how great his products are? well no, now i don't trust that, even though carson and i at the time of purchase wrote our own glowing recommendation in that book as well. it's not the money, it's the fact of being lied to over and over again, being taken for a ride, and then dropped on the wayside. we tried to take the oils back but he was 'gone to bangalore' both days, and no refunds possible, said his brother. oh gosh, i'm sorry to bring this all to the blog; i'm really needing a journal entry and this forum will have to do for now.

this perfume experience really set me off for a downhill spiral though. we had set off that morning excited to be here and explore; after being smeared with scent and fooled, i have not been able to recover. suddenly everyone we encounter wants something from us; either to take us somewhere, to sell us drugs, to bring us to a silk shop, to look me up and down, to stare at us with such serious eyes that my smile can't shift anything. so i walk around with a guard and defense up, walking quickly in front of little children holding their hands to their mouths, asking for some rupees for food (will the rupees even go to them though? will my rupees help them, or someone else?) and mothers and children asking for money, and men with one leg asking for money, and men selling "sandalwood" boxes and fans asking for money, and guides wanting to take us somewhere...we just walk fast and try to avert their "where are you from?" question, because as soon as we answer it's like an invitation into our space, for them to walk with us and try to persuade us to give them something. i have never felt so closed off and protected in a place before; i feel mean and cold. but how else can i be? if i am open and smiling, then it's such an invitation to people to come up to me. it's obvious that i need to get out of this city asap (luckily we finally booked a train ticket after a long train station learning process this afternoon; we're heading north to hubli on the sleeper train tonight, and then in the morning we'll take a bus to hampi for a couple/few days to relax among the rocks and ruins). i seem to sigh a little relief into my body, and then something else happens, like carson and i's brand new cold bottle of water; as i was on the computer, a young indian man came up and grabbed it and said "i want your water, i'm thirsty" and i looked at him in disbelief as he unscrewed it and took a few drinks. he walked away, the indian woman next to me laughed, and i felt such a well of frustration boiling inside of me that i hardly knew what to do. i have a sliver of perspective that i am taking everything so seriously and personally at the moment, how everything that happens keeps stacking onto everything that is already happened, and i don't have the perspective to laugh it off, accept it in the moment, and move on. i am missing out on whatever beauty or preciousness that is around me, for the past two days have been such a round and round of stuck-ness!

so we will see what happens....thanks for reading if you've gotten this far; it's important to discharge this stuff, and writing works well for me sometimes. also, it's important to share the nitty gritty parts of the trip too, because i am often on the lookout for the beauty, and the hard stuff is harder to show. i knew india would be a challenge, and that's why i was afraid to come here. so far, there have been moments (the backwaters day and the trekking day in the nilgiris) where i have been very happy to be here, and know those experiences couldn't have happened anywhere else. but at this point, both carson and i are at the end of our ropes, and wonder how long we want to put up with some of the behaviors we witness here. do we want our trip to be a constant challenge? what are we hoping to fulfill here? what do we want from india, and what can we give back to india and her people to thank them for having us? because right now, it feels that india could care less if i was here or not. i know i have to shift my perspective if i want to create positive experiences, but i just feel so darn stuck! hopefully moving out of this city on the train tonight will help to shift the energy! because otherwise you might see us home in the NW much sooner than we thought!

love,
melissa

2 comments:

Moorea said...

I am wondering if you can do the "work/four questions" on these situations to gain perspective. It sounds like these ideas pile on top of one another because they are resentments.

I'm sure that the perspective will def. come with the distance. I can see that a lot of what you have dealt will will be looked back upon with humor. And somehow, the thought of you punching someone in the face just made my morning. I love you!!

Daniel said...

Glad you are moving onto hampi (sp?), I've heard it really is a restorative place. I imagine it must be so challenging to be a non- tourist tourist in india. The lines are drawn, the tourist ruts are set, how do you escape them without deep knowledge of culture, language , place. And how do you gain that real knowledge/perspective if you're constantly washed into the stream of nieve tourist? A catch-22. Find the grace and compassion within, which cannot be bought,sold, or taken.
Love,
Dani
(ps- thanks for helping me appreciate the quite santa Fe morning, new snow melting in the sun, coffee, blueberry pancakes . . . Happy equinox)